VERSE OF THE MONTH: October 2017

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I chose this verse for a couple of different reasons. One being its popularity. Folks deeply devoted or barely acquainted with Christ can more than likely prattle this off as one of the verses they have memorized. I also wanted to highlight it because there is power in it, and it has brought me much encouragement and strength these last few weeks.

I will not lie, last month was hellacious for me. Finding the right combination of medications for me has proved to be beyond taxing, and I’ve clung tightly to the Word of God during this time. I’ve constantly come back to Philippians 4 as a whole, prayed it – declared it over myself because I have had days where I felt like I couldn’t do anything. I would stand still in my bedroom, large chunks of times would pass. When my husband would come in, I would just weep because I couldn’t get ready for the day. I was consumed by fear and brought low by the unbalanced chemicals in my brain.

Through prayer and a medication change, I’m doing much better. This month has a bright start, but I want to remember that no matter the challenge, Christ will give me strength.

I pray that you will find strength in the challenges that face you this month.

Happy October!

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Moving Thoughts as Heavy as Pianos

Have you ever moved a piano?

I do every morning.

My wallet was stolen a few months ago by a couple of creepy thugs, and I quickly became paranoid that they would take the information found on my license and come to our house and break in. Because of this new found paranoia, our Wurlitzer spinet gets pushed in front of our front door every night (Do not talk to me about fire hazards), and I assume the right position and push it back to its rightful place in the morning on my way out for work.

When I first started moving this large and dreadfully heavy instrument, I struggled to get it to budge. However, with time, I have learned where and how to plant my feet, which position my hips need to be in to assist with the push, and just how much weight I need to throw forward in order to get it to move.

This is my every morning, but it won’t always be this way. My paranoia will fade. I will be satisfied with the alarms we have on the door as well as the windows. However, until then, I must push.

This is where I am at with my mental health. In my mind, I have made no progress these last several months. My depression is OK, but my anxiety is heavy and hard to maneuver. I have been crying a lot, and I feel like I’m unsteady most of the day. I find it difficult to complete small tasks, but I keep saying to myself:

“Just push through.”

This thought of encouragement doesn’t make the task that I am facing any smaller or lighter, but it readjusts my posture for how I am going to face it.

While I feel I’ve made no progress because I still feel pretty awful, I have to remind myself that seven years ago, I refused to go to a doctor for help, I was reluctant to see a counselor, the idea of medication was offensive, I was having panic attacks almost daily, and I was painfully suicidal.

Now, I have more of a vocabulary to use to describe my symptoms, I see a psyche practitioner monthly, I’ve started counseling, I make a lot of my own phone calls instead of waiting for my husband to do them, I can often walk and talk myself out of a panic attack, I know when my depression is heading to a dark and bad place and unashamedly cry out for help.

I’ve learned a better posture for pushing against the heaviness of Bipolar 2 Disorder, and even though the heaviness of it hasn’t changed, I can push through it a little easier. It’s just taken practice. I won’t always have to repeat this small mantra in my head, but it is a tool that I’ll carry for when the need arises.

Just. Push. Through.

VERSE OF THE MONTH: September 2017


I have a few appointments coming up just in this coming week let alone this month. I’m trying hard not to be fearful, but just as I run with all my might in the opposite direction toward the feet of Jesus, fear shoots out its swift, relentless web, and I’m captured in its paralyzing fright. 

That’s when the hand of the almighty comes, rips off the web, and squishes the fear like the minuscule bug it is. He holds me with His strong hand, and there I don’t have to rely on my crippled strength any longer.

I pray this verse encourages you this month as you navigate through the ebbs and flows of the upcoming season. 

You are loved and prayed for!

VERSE OF THE MONTH: AUGUST 2017

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This month’s verse is 1 Corinthians 10:31. I chose this verse because this month I feel like the Lord is calling me to make some lifestyle changes to enhance my journey toward healing. While there are many things that I need to adjust, the one I am starting with is exercise.

I know that exercise can help with depression, and it did to a degree for me in the past when I was an athlete. However, since having my second child, I’ve allowed myself to become physically unfit; and it has taken its toll on my mind, body, and spirit.

Since this is the first change I feel like the Lord is wanting me to address, I have challenged myself to workout for at least 20 minutes every day this month. It’s going to be difficult for me, but it needs to be done. God has given me a healthy body, and I need to tend to and cultivate it so that I can better serve Him.

I hope you have a happy, healthy August!

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VERSE OF THE MONTH: JULY 2017

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Brand new guitar strings fall out of tune more quickly than it takes to get them to play the right notes. At least this is true of the type of strings I prefer to play with. They require quite a bit of stretching and adjusting before they are able to hold their assigned note. However, after they are worked with thoroughly, they can produce the sweetest melodies.

Similar to these guitar strings, we must be pulled on, stretched, tested, and worked on until the tune of our heart is pleasing to the Lord.

My prayer for this month is that the Lord will tune me in a way that Jesus can be seen through me so that whatever good things He has planned for me can come to pass.

Happy July!

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Thunder Can’t Hurt You: When Panic Strikes

Humid air steams against my face, herbal and misty like a proper cup of tea. Mottled sunlight peeks in patches behind rough edged, steel gray clouds rolling higher and higher into the atmosphere. They are heavily burdened with a precipitation they must release, and only gain more power as the air surrounding them rapidly rises.

The cool mountain breeze flying upward to herald the approach of a stronger storm is my cue to shuffle my bare feet off the damp boards on my porch and back inside where I can try to settle in for the storm that was inevitably coming.

Nestled under a cozy blanket, I see the product of negatively charged particles discharge in a furious, blinding blaze. The flash is far hotter than the sun, and the dissonant thunder that follows is the sound emitted from its negative blast.

Crackling from synapse to synapse, the hot lightning moves at a much quicker pace than the thunder, but the thundering thoughts come rolling through right afterwards. The louder they roar, the more fear provoking they are.

The further away the strikes become, the quieter the thunder follows until all is left still and fragrant.

My daughter crawls into my lap, and I hold her tight and whisper “Even though it’s loud, it passes. The thunder can’t hurt you.”

 

Happy Friday, loves!

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