Being extra tired this morning, I had a difficult time getting out of bed. Finally after much pestering, my daughter decided it would be a good idea to practice her cannon ball skills on my back.
Getting my kids dressed for the day was easy. My almost 4 year old daughter had completely dressed herself, and my son was joyfully compliant as I got him dressed.
My husband had to leave early because he volunteers doing parking duty at our church a couple of times a month.
Getting the kids fed was no great ordeal. I put Monsters Inc. on the TV and gave them vitamin and mineral infused sugary sugar, sugar McPuffs, and left them at the table to eat so I could go upstairs to quickly dress, put on a little bit of make up, and run a brush through my hair.
I grabbed the kids’ juice, my purse, and my son’s little diaper backpack and headed out the door.
My church has an app where you can check your kids in before you arrive so you don’t have to wait in line, so I did that before pulling out.
Arriving at church, I quickly rushed my kids to their classes. Neither of them were keen on going, and were reluctant to let me leave. Eventually they surrendered to go play.
My coffee from home had quickly lost its heat, so I didn’t get a chance to finish it in the car because lukewarm coffee is the worst.
I was already a little irritated because I didn’t get to have my coffee first thing this morning which is the fuel I require to function just above the level of a mombie. I grabbed a quick cup of joe before heading into service, where I quickly tucked myself on the back row since worship had already started.
My hands started to shake.
I sat down because there was a baptism today which is something I always love to see. However, today, the room started to slowly rotate, and I heard a light ringing in my ears. When worship resumed, I tried to focus on my friends on stage.
Tunnel vision and a lightly rotating room made my head feel like it was detaching from my body. I felt the heat starting to rise from my feet. My arms and legs were getting shaky with it being most noticeable in my hands where I could hardly grip my coffee.
I texted my husband who was outside shuttling people in the rain to the front door.
“I’m shaking really badly. I have to leave.”
Collecting my stuff, I stifled my tears as I walked out of the sanctuary, through the lobby, and out the door. Nearly hyper-ventilating by the time I got to my car. I had handed the sticker needed to collect our kids from their classes without saying much.
I left the parking with flooded eyes, shaking hands, and a tight chest.
My perfect liquid liner was streaming down my face, stinging my eyes as I pulled into my driveway 10 minutes later.
My clothes clung tighter and tighter to my body while I began to breakout in a cold sweat. I rushed to get out them and onto my bed in front of my fan.
Reeling from the physical discomfort, I began to wail, crying out from the very depths of my being.
I couldn’t control how my body felt, and my mind had some of the worst intruding thoughts I’ve had in a couple of months. I laid there crying out to God:
“Why can’t I be happy? Why can’t I be normal?”
My frustration quickly grew to cries of solace:
“I need help! I need help!”
My husband had called me, so I returned his call, and between tearful gasps, I couldn’t say much.
He told me he’d be home soon.
As the tightness in my chest started to release, and the uncomfortable heat began to cool down, I heard my front door open downstairs.
My mom peaked in my door, and sat down beside on my bed. Moms have a way of making things better. I didn’t have time this morning to swing by the pharmacy to pick up my mood stabilizer, so she told me to wrap up in a blanket and get in the car to go get it.
Starting to regain some steadiness, I thew on my go-to yoga pants and favorite Aerosmith band shirt. I swaddled myself in the first plush blanket I could find because, and I was still shivering even though I wasn’t cold.
My body released and with that comes complete exhaustion.
I ate my lunch with my newly increased dosage of medication, and eventually resigned to my bed as my mom put my kids down for their nap. I had made my husband leave to have lunch with his family because he was meeting a long lost uncle of his.
I’m prone to panic attacks so I can feel when they’re coming on. I don’t know if there was anything in particular that triggered this one. It’s usually a combination of irritability and exertion.
My thoughts automatically jumped to “Your family doesn’t deserve having to deal with your inability to control your mood and emotions and body.” “Your family would be much better off if you could just die from natural causes.” “How could I even make my death look like it happened by natural causes?””I love my kids and husband so much, though.” “You don’t even contribute to anything.” “You have no true worth.”
The thoughts ended along with the panic attack, and I was quickly blanketed with overwhelming exhaustion. I would say that I feel like I’ve just ran several miles, but after a long run, my adrenaline gets me super hyped up. No, I feel like I’ve just given birth. Every major muscle group just aches. my swollen eyelids feel extra heavy.
SO I went to lay down, and I tried not think about anything. Sleep cures a multitude of pains.
Waking up four hours later, I heard my kids playing downstairs. I missed their little faces, so I stumbled down the stairs to get some water.
I wanted to contribute to something today, so I made the kids some dinner, started laundry, and sat down.
It was a little too much, so I had to catch my breath.
My kids were ready for bed without any issues, and I read them Love You Forever, and tried to hold back from sobbing like a baby.
My daughter asked if I’d rock her like the mommy did in the book.
Obviously I did while big,fat tears splashed on top of her sweet little head – The best part of my day.
It started out rough, but ended so sweetly as I watched her drift off to sleep.
I’m pretty sure that I could sleep for another 17 hours, but responsibility calls early tomorrow morning.
Until tomorrow, friends