I Had a Panic Attack Today

Being extra tired this morning, I had a difficult time getting out of bed. Finally after much pestering, my daughter decided it would be a good idea to practice her cannon ball skills on my back.

It worked.

Getting my kids dressed for the day was easy. My almost 4 year old daughter had completely dressed herself, and my son was joyfully compliant as I got him dressed.

My husband had to leave early because he volunteers doing parking duty at our church a couple of times a month.

Getting the kids fed was no great ordeal. I put Monsters Inc. on the TV and gave them vitamin and mineral infused sugary sugar, sugar McPuffs, and left them at the table to eat so I could go upstairs to quickly dress, put on a little bit of make up, and run a brush through my hair.

I grabbed the kids’ juice, my purse, and my son’s little diaper backpack and headed out the door.

My church has an app where you can check your kids in before you arrive so you don’t have to wait in line, so I did that before pulling out.

Arriving at church, I quickly rushed my kids to their classes. Neither of them were keen on going, and were reluctant to let me leave. Eventually they surrendered to go play.

My coffee from home had quickly lost its heat, so I didn’t get a chance to finish it in the car because lukewarm coffee is the worst.

I was already a little irritated because I didn’t get to have my coffee first thing this morning which is the fuel I require to function just above the level of a mombie. I grabbed a quick cup of joe before heading into service, where I quickly tucked myself on the back row since worship had already started.

My hands started to shake.

I sat down because there was a baptism today which is something I always love to see. However, today, the room started to slowly rotate, and I heard a light ringing in my ears. When worship resumed, I tried to focus on my friends on stage.

Tunnel vision and a lightly rotating room made my head feel like it was detaching from my body. I felt the heat starting to rise from my feet. My arms and legs were getting shaky with it being most noticeable in my hands where I could hardly grip my coffee.

I texted my husband who was outside shuttling people in the rain to the front door.

“I’m shaking really badly. I have to leave.”

Collecting my stuff, I stifled my tears as I walked out of the sanctuary, through the lobby, and out the door. Nearly hyper-ventilating by the time I got to my car. I had handed the sticker needed to collect our kids from their classes without saying much.

I left the parking with flooded eyes, shaking hands, and a tight chest.

My perfect liquid liner was streaming down my face, stinging my eyes as I pulled into my driveway 10 minutes later.

My clothes clung tighter and tighter to my body while I began to breakout in a cold sweat. I rushed to get out them and onto my bed in front of my fan.

Reeling from the physical discomfort, I began to wail, crying out from the very depths of my being.

I couldn’t control how my body felt, and my mind had some of the worst intruding thoughts I’ve had in a couple of months. I laid there crying out to God:

“Why can’t I be happy? Why can’t I be normal?”

My frustration quickly grew to cries of solace:

“I need help! I need help!”

My husband had called me, so I returned his call, and between tearful gasps, I couldn’t say much.

He told me he’d be home soon.

As the tightness in my chest started to release, and the uncomfortable heat began to cool down, I heard my front door open downstairs.

My mom peaked in my door, and sat down beside on my bed. Moms have a way of making things better.  I didn’t have time this morning to swing by the pharmacy to pick up my mood stabilizer, so she told me to wrap up in a blanket and get in the car to go get it.

Starting to regain some steadiness, I thew on my go-to yoga pants and favorite Aerosmith band shirt. I swaddled myself in the first plush blanket I could find because, and I was still shivering even though I wasn’t cold.

My body released and with that comes complete exhaustion.

I ate my lunch with my newly increased dosage of medication, and eventually resigned to my bed as my mom put my kids down for their nap. I had made my husband leave to have lunch with his family because he was meeting a long lost uncle of his.

I’m prone to panic attacks so I can feel when they’re coming on. I don’t know if there was anything in particular that triggered this one. It’s usually a combination of irritability and exertion.

My thoughts automatically jumped to “Your family doesn’t deserve having to deal with your inability to control your mood and emotions and body.” “Your family would be much better off if you could just die from natural causes.” “How could I even make my death look like it happened by natural causes?””I love my kids and husband so much, though.” “You don’t even contribute to anything.” “You have no true worth.”

The thoughts ended along with the panic attack, and I was quickly blanketed with overwhelming exhaustion. I would say that I feel like I’ve just ran several miles, but after a long run, my adrenaline gets me super hyped up. No, I feel like I’ve just given birth. Every major muscle group just aches. my swollen eyelids feel extra heavy.

SO I went to lay down, and I tried not think about anything. Sleep cures a multitude of pains.

Waking up four hours later, I heard my kids playing downstairs. I missed their little faces, so I stumbled down the stairs to get some water.

I wanted to contribute to something today, so I made the kids some dinner, started laundry, and sat down.

It was a little too much, so I had to catch my breath.

My kids were ready for bed without any issues, and I read them Love You Forever, and tried to hold back from sobbing like a baby.

My daughter asked if I’d rock her like the mommy did in the book.

Obviously I did while big,fat tears splashed on top of her sweet little head – The best part of my day.

It started out rough, but ended so sweetly as I watched her drift off to sleep.

I’m pretty sure that I could sleep for another 17 hours, but responsibility calls early tomorrow morning.

Until tomorrow, friends

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13 thoughts on “I Had a Panic Attack Today”

  1. Sorry you had to go through all of that today. However, your writing was awesome. It does sound like you had a rough day but you are very strong and you made it through. You survived. Hurray. You are a strong person and a survivor. You are very blessed to have a wonderful support system. I was wondering if you take any benzos of any kind which are anti-anxiety medications. I have generalized anxiety disorder and I take Clonazepam (Ativan is another one… I don’t take that one but know many people that take that one) and my anxiety is so well controlled now. Hurray. I have some anxiety but no more panic attacks at least. I was just curious if you took any anti-anxiety medications like that because taking mine has been a life saver for me. My Clonazepam also helps with my bipolar mania and PTSD. As I said it is a life saver for me and helps me tremendously. Yes, it is addictive but I will never go of of it so…. you can email me if you would rather versus making a comment…. I hope tomorrow will be a much better day. Hugs and blessings. ❤ Sue

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    1. I have taken a few benzos over time. I keep Ativan in my purse, but Klonopin is definitely my favorite. My regular psyche practitioner won’t prescribe it to me or really anything else that she feels could be addictive. I’ve had the same bottle for three years, and I’m just now down to my last pill. I’m sorry you have to deal with all of that too, Sue. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!

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      1. I don’t know what I would do without it as I can’t take it meds. I think my Pdoc prescribed it years ago mostly because my mania anc hypomania was so bad combined with anxiety. I was addicted for a while and ate them like candy. Now I am doing well and no longer eat them like candy. Was prescribed 5 mg the 4g and now take 3 mg. Not sure if I can ever go below that… I am usually hypomanic and it controls that some too. Thanks for listening. Sorry Pdoc doesnt prescribe for you. They help and if you don’t abuse them I don’t understand problem. I think it has turned into problem for Pdocs
        now due to what is happening with abuse on streets etc.

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      2. Thank you… I was so blessed to have the Psychiatrist I did that cared so much… Believed in saving my life before the idea of addiction. My Psychiatrist had to retire due to his own illness but I am doing well now because I remember everything he taught me and what we learned together to fight my awful illness. He saved my life… God saved it too of course!!! What do you do when you can’t sleep. Does anything help or do you just have to ride it out. Our sleep is such important medicine for us. I wouldn’t be able to sleep ever without my Klonipin. I pray you are doing well. Thanks for the comments. I love having dialog with people like you. Are things going well for you now??? I hope so. I pray you are doing well. Hugs. ❤❤❤. Sue

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      3. I was prescribed Latuda for sleep, but I honestly didn’t want to go on yet another anti-depressant. I’ve went back to taking about 400mg if dyphenhydromine which is basically Benadryl. It’s works pretty well without making me groggy. I just weaned off of Effexor, and instead of making me more chill, it’s sent up into a hypomanic state. 😏 I feel pretty good even though I’m not sleeping much,
        But I know the crash will come and it will be bad. I’m just praying for even moods. Thanks for your dialogue!

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      4. I cannot take any anti-depressants because they make me too manic. Maybe you can ask about that too. I never sleep much for some reason. I try to keep an eye on it though to make sure I get some sleep. Eventually after many days of not getting enough sleep I have a day I am so exhausted I finally catch up on my sleep… and then the cycle continues. My sleep pattern is beyond abnormal, but is just the way it is I guess. Many P-docs have said I have been hypomanic basically my entire life so when they tried all of these other medicines I could not handle it slowing me down so much or something, so I couldn’t take any medications they forced me to take. They made me feel too depressed. I don’t know but I am used to being hypomanic and stay there to some degree most of the time… After my diagnosis about 24 years ago I have learned about my triggers (I also have PTSD) and learned what I need to do to stay healthy. It has taken what seems like forever to finally figure it out a little, but I will take one moment at a time… I know some time I may crash again but I try not to fear it and enjoy the good while it is here and pray I will not crash for a long time or ever would be a dream come true… but I know the reality of bipolar. I watch my triggers and try to stay away from them and negativity as best I can. Praying helps a lot. I pray you do not crash… maybe you won’t… if you do crash I hope it will be very mild. Thanks for listening or I should say reading…. Hugs and prayers. Sue

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      5. Thanks, Sue. I had a fairly horrific crash on Sunday, but I found out that it was a mix of coming off of Effexor which is what threw into mania, and being given prednisone for an inner ear thing. I had a really bad crash, and my husband had to call the psyche for me, and when he found out I had been prescribed prednisone, I heard him practical yell over the phone “get her off of that!” It’s apparently terrible to take when you’re bipolar or on anti-Ds. All of that is out of my system now, and I’m back to a hypo manic state and only on two mood stabilizers now. Thanks for sharing about what you’ve dealt with. Love to you!

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  2. I was once prescribed Prednisone too and I think I only took it two days because it made me feel so horrible. I am glad you are better. I have been hypomanic for many days and not sleeping much and my sleep cycle all messed up. I have a PT job that they have been scheduling me too many hours and now I have crashed but it is the nature of the beast. I took today off of work and don’t feel like I can work tomorrow either but I don’t know what to do as they do not know I have bipolar. I am scheduled the next 3 days to work over 24 hours and that is too much for me plus goes over what I am supposed to work hour wise for my insurance… Anyway I am feeling depressed and am afraid to work as I know I have to take care of myself and not work too much. Yikes I do not know what to do. When I start to get depressed I have to take care of myself so it doesn’t get worse…

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