Actually, I see a psychiatric and mental health nurse practitioner every one to three months depending on how my medication is working.
I’ve always preferred to see nurse practitioners because I feel like they have had better hands-on patient care than most doctors.
As I’ve mentioned before, I probably needed psychiatric help when I was a kid, but I didn’t see a counselor until I was 23 or a psychiatric professional until I was almost 27. I had tried to get in with a couple of psychiatrists when I was having a particularly hard time, but I was wait-listed.
Wait-listed. A person with mental illness should not be wait listed.
I’ve come to know that Psychiatry is in desperate need of doctors and nurse practitioners because there is a national shortage in the field.
But still. I couldn’t even get into the office to see anyone.
Fortunately, my OB-GYN recognized that I desperately needed a referral a few weeks after having my second child. I’ve seen her for nearly two years on a very regular basis.
Our meetings are typically the same. We’re beyond niceties at this point. For instance, when I first started out, I wasn’t so candid about how terrible I was feeling. Now I go in, and get straight to the point. I’ve learned how to better dialogue with her about my symptoms and reactions to different medications that I’ve been on.
I’ve been on all of the SSRIs, a couple of the SNRIs, a SARI, Wellbutrin, which is a class of its own, a few benzos, a couple of anti-psychotics, an anticonvulsant, mood stabiliers, and a few herbal remedies.
Seeing all of these medications listed out is mind-boggling. Especially since I haven’t found the right cocktail to keep my mood on a steady path.
I had an appointment today, and yet again, I am faced with another medication change.
These rarely go over well. Some times I become incapable of functioning like a normal adult. Sometimes I have to have constant supervision.
Today I feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I’m weary from all of the failed attempts, the sleepless nights, the irritability, the exhaustion, anxiety, the hopelessness, the self-hatred, the guilt, and the darkness.
However, I keep hearing this whisper…
I can’t see the light, but I know the Light.
I can either think of this med change as another failure, a confirmation that I’ll never get better.
Or, I can think of it as one step closer to finding the right combination.
However, I’m not thinking about it at all tonight. I’m apparently VERY sleep deprived. I’ve been making lots of errors, zoning out, losing concentration, hyper-concentrating on unimportant details, craving sugar, and all sorts of symptoms that go along with sleep deprivation.
So instead of pondering all of this, I’m going to take a few of my sleep pills and hopefully SLEEP.
Until tomorrow, my friends,