I had a panic attack today.
It was the first one I’ve had in a while. Sometimes I can feel them thundering beneath the surface, other times they are a sudden deluge.
Today I saw it coming on the horizon comparable to the black clouds that hang low over my beautiful blue mountains on a spring day.
Mondays always make me a bit blue as I mourn the ease of the weekend passing. However, my day was normal as usual. There was nothing out of the ordinary at work. My children were gems. Yet my anxiety decided to misbehave.
Being extra fidgety and having hot flashes, my nerves were electric.
Once I got home, I laid my kids down for a nap, and I did some writing. I felt flush, and was extra hot, My chest started growing tighter and tighter. The shortness of breath began. Sometimes I cry during these attacks, other times I don’t. I couldn’t mumble an audible sound as my throat contracted.
Breathless and in the fetal position with my fan on high, petting my kitty cat, Gus, I surrendered to the attack on my bed. I tried to check in with my body from head to toe, but I didn’t make it past my chest before the intrusive thoughts flooded in.
So I sang. Not aloud, but in my mind,
“So I called, and you answered. and you came to my rescue, and I want to be where you are.”
I repeated these lyrics over and over and over and over.
I repeated them over and over until my chest began to release and my breathing steadied.
I repeated them until I was lulled onto the surface of slumber. I rested for probably 30 minutes in a partial stupor which was just enough for me to come out on the other end of the attack, and begin to recover.
Panic attacks always leave me worn out, and in a bit of a fog.
However, I’ve recovered from this one better than the others.
I’m still exhausted, but I’m not tearful, I was able to eat dinner, and I haven’t been irritable with anyone. I’m not shaky, sweaty, or in any pain. My anxiety is still sprinkling down, but I can feel the Lord sheltering me from the storm.
I’m grateful that when I called, He answered.
“On the day I called, you answered me; my strength of soul you increased.” Psalm 138:3 (ESV)
The fragrance after the rain and the cool mist in the air is a nice reprieve from the storm.
I know that these things are all a part of my journey to wellness, and I hope that I don’t come across as a pitiful victim as I share them. I hope to reveal my heart in hopes of finding freedom and helping others so we can struggle and grow together on this road to recovery.
Monday is almost over! Here’s to a happier Tuesday!