I’ve sat here, typing and erasing. Typing and erasing for well over an hour. I can’t seem to think clearly tonight.
My day started out really well. I had the best morning that I’ve had in a really long time.
However, after lunch, it hit me between the eyes.
This time, it came without warning and completely overwhelmed me.
My jovial demeanor rapidly changed, and I was left with a tight chest and shortened breaths.
When it hits me so quickly, I can’t reason with it. Sometimes I can check in with my body. Do my breathing exercises. Make lists of my perceptions versus what I know to be reality.
Not today. I had been out in the very hot sun, painting my porch. I love doing projects like this. I actually find it relaxing.
When I had finished for the day, I went in to take a shower while my kids were still asleep. Right before stepping into the shower, my daughter pops into the bathroom.
As much as I love seeing her sweet little face, I became a little agitated because I desperately needed a shower, but deep down, I feel like I have to keep my eyes on her every single second she’s in my care.
I stressfully deduced that she’s almost four, had her new doll, and would be perfectly content lying on the floor, playing with her toy and talking to me while I showered.
Instead of a leisurely, hot shower that I was looking forward to, I felt the need to rush through it, missing several spots of paint on my legs and elbows.
My daughter, still playing with her doll said “I love you, mommy” as I toweled off.
I cannot even begin to express to you how much I love my children. I would easily die for them. I would easily kill for them. They are constantly in my thoughts, and I will not settle for anything but the best for them.
That’s why it doesn’t make sense to me that I have so much anxiety with watching them by myself.
It takes everything within me to not go to see my husband at work everyday after I get the kids or to hope and see if my mom is off and can pick them up.
I love playing with them. I love talking with them. I love snuggling them.
I do not understand why my anxiety is so overwhelming when I have to be alone with them.
Some days, I’m fine. I have abundant energy, and we do lots of fun things.
Other days, I’m drained, and the thought of having to listen to the incessant talking, being constantly touched, not getting a moment to settle in, trying to feed the ravenous beasts they become only to be told they do not like my food; literally takes my breath away.
I know all moms get stressed out over stuff, but I feel like this has been and is continually a problem that is stealing my joy from being around my kids.
Often I end up chewing a benzo so I calm the heck down. I did manage to get through today with out one. However, that was only because my husband returned from doing yard and house work and was a huge help.
My day started out really well, but anxiety made it worse.
Some days I win. Other days, I crumble into bed a defeated mess.
Here’s to a better tomorrow, and a Happy Easter!