The lies that echo through the chasms of my soul are “You are a waste of space, and you have wasted so much of your life.”
A general symptom of my depressive disorder is lack of concentration, and when I find myself unable to concentrate or for lack of a better term “zoning out,” I am usually in one of two places. The first, I shall not speak of just yet, and the second is found tumbling down to the deep, craggy past.
I fantasize about what things in my past I would do differently. Fascinated by the thoughts of time travel, I imagine myself traveling back to a time I wish to change, and telling my former self what she should know and do.
This thought is usually ended by an abrupt jolt back to reality where a heavy sigh escapes the chamber of my lungs as I realize that I have at least a hundred other less interesting things to do.
I remind myself that there will probably be a day when I wish I could slide back to this time and do things differently. I ask myself, “What will I have wanted myself to have accomplished?” This is usually crushed by those cascading lies.
A lady I used to work with would tell me “God doesn’t waste anything.” I learned that first hand when I graduated college, took my first adult job as a teacher teaching the very things that I had spent so much time studying in college. I started out as a pre-med major but graduated with a theatre arts degree. I taught both science and fine arts yet had no formal teaching education.
Recently I’ve found myself in a rather discontent state of mind. I’ve been dealing with a medication change which always turns my world upside down and inside out. I’ve been feeling like I wasted so much time in the past, and that it has left in this place of dissatisfaction today. However, this Sunday, I heard it again. “God doesn’t waste anything.”
God can take the impossible, the ugly, the blasé, the lacking, and the disheveled, and make it shine in all of His splendor. It just takes trust.
What can you actively trust God with today? I am actively trusting Him to use this moment in my life to teach me something new, and to use me, even when I don’t feel like letting Him.
You have worth and value beyond what you even know.
Until tomorrow, friends!