I struggle with what to share with you tonight. I had an idea of what I wanted to present, but honestly, it would take more mental energy than I have to spend this evening.
Today was OK.
It was fairly typical. I begrudgingly got out of bed and slowing put myself together. Morning has always been my nemesis, but it is more of a bother since I’ve started taking new sleeping pills.
Insomnia has been a frequent companion of mine for a while. Mostly since about 2009. I used to take those OTC sleep aid pills which are nothing more than Benadryl, and they worked for a little while.
Over the last couple of years, my sleep patterns have been fairly normal. I would sleep most of the night. That was until my last major depressive episode began after this past New Year. I would sleep 2-3 hours then wake up wide awake and be up for the rest of the night fully energized and ready to get my day over with.
A few weeks of only getting a couple of hours of sleep a night had some unfortunate effects which I will elaborate on in a different post.
I now have medication that helps me sleep all night, but I haven’t found the exact dose and time in which to take it so that I do not feel like a complete slug in the morning.
This morning, I was particularly sluggish and a total grump. Fortunately for me, I live in a house with 3 morning people (insert sarcastic eye roll). Before I even got to the bathroom, I was asked 6 different questions, about completely unrelated things, by my almost 4 year old.
She’s the literal worst in the morning. She doesn’t stop chirping until I get her to school. I’m not a nice person until at least my second cup of coffee, and sometimes that’s pushing it.
I almost fell asleep at the wheel twice this morning which only scared me a lot. Thank Jesus, I made it to work in one piece. I poured my second piping hot cup of nectar of the gods and got situated at my desk.
I started a new job 3 weeks ago, and I’ve settled unusually well into it. Because of my propensity to be enveloped in anxiety with a little surprise bundle of depression on the side, change usually does not suit me very well.
Change, whether good or bad, has a way of sending me into a tail spin. It’s quite annoying.
This time it hasn’t been so bad. I really like the work I’m doing, and the people are incredible. I had a longer work day than I normally do, but I didn’t really mind.
My anxiety spiked when I thought about having to get my kids, take them grocery shopping, and getting them home and settled in.
For the 1 millionth time in my life, my mother swept in and saved the afternoon. She picked up my kids from school and brought them home which gave me enough time to wrap some work and go buy some (read : way too much) food.
I’ve learned to ask for help when a circumstance elevates my anxiety. It is not an easy thing for me to do, and I always feel guilty asking for help, but in the long run, it saves me so much hassle.
Everything was seemingly perfect today.
However, the deep, lonely sadness knows where to find me, and she folds herself around me in a way I cannot escape.
Luckily, as quickly as she comes, she goes. Compared to this time last year, this is progress.
Thanks for joining me on this journey. I truly do appreciate it.